a new year?

Well I made through Christmas. Livias first Christmas. She was so funny!! She's walking and trying to talk!! She says I love you!! She knows her ma and gives me kisses. Oh how precious she is.

Christmas was hectic. Everone had places to be abd some had to work. But we were all together.
I hope that kids realize that was what was the most important.

Mom stays with me every day now. I am not able to do much of anything for myself. Taking a shower does me in for the rest of the day. Bill got his moms chair to put in the shower. That helps a lot.

I keep wondering how many more days i have and what to do with the ones i have.

the pain limits me. the pills help some but they make me sleep. I feel like im wasting time.

I wish people would call and visit more. i know aometimes they call and i dont feel like talking but i hope they keep trying. I miss everyone.

Back at it... more

The last post posted before I was fin

ished.. oops...

I suppose that I am just rambling anyway.. Just thinking... wondering..

My mind thinks of a song that Scott wrote right before he died. "In the Darkness". He taled about how he prayed and thought about how it would be inthe darkness of his room at night. I so relate.

So many things I want and need to do. And so many times I wonder why? Does it matter?

I am so lonley. Even in a group I am lonley. It is so hard to explain. Everyone tells me to call someone else. To talk to people. Everyone says the same thing.. "you sound good". They don't know what to say.. I know...
So I just don't talk........

I just want everyone to know how much they mean to me,, how much I will miss them. I know where Im going will be so much better but the thought of leaving those I love is hard. I know everyone has a life and they can't (nor do I want them to) put a hold on things for me.. but sometimes............ I just want to scream hellooooooooooo we MIGHT NOT have tomorrow........PLEASE talk to me!!

Normal but not normal thats how I want it. So hard to explain.......... I love you all If I foget to do or say something I should have.. Please forgive me.......

Back at it

Its been a long time since I posted anything. I was very sick for awhile and then I had difficulty logging in.

Siince my last posting I have been in and out of the hospital, had radiation and begun chemo.

The tumor became so enlarged that it ruptured. I bled out so badly the house looked like a murder had taken place..:( . The first time the ambulance took me to the hospital and they packed me and sent me home. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and it happened again. This time I collapsed just as Bill got to me. This time I spent 5 days in the hospital and received blood transfusions and started radiation.

Now I am taking chemo every 3 weeks. The doctors are saying there is no more they can do. They are just hoping the chemo will keep the bleeding under control. So far it has been minimal as long as I don't try to do anything. It is sooooooooooo frustrating. I can't keep house, go shopping or anything! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I take my next treatment on Monday. THey give me nausia meds that last about 24 hours. Then I puke for a week. Then the second week it's on and off... and my legs ache.........:(... then just as I am starting to feel half way normal, it's time to start all over again. I am not sure how long I will continue.. just depends on the side effects i guess. Its so frustrating not t be able to do anything for the holidays. I baked a ham and a couple pies this weekend cause I know I will be out of it for Thanksgiving. I feel bad for Bill but he doesn't eat much anyway.

I went to the mall today and had Livia and Jyllaynes Christmas picture made. It was fin. Livy smiles all the time so it was easy as can be. I sat in my wheel chair quite awhile so my back and side are hurting tonight. Oh well.

Bill had E squad today. Had to be at work at 4 am and didn't get home til 7 p.m. Needless to say, he came in and went right to bed. He is working at Wishard doing transports for the hospital so hes closer to home if I need him now.

The days just seem to go by. I don't acomplish much of anything. Every night I think .. well one more day. I wonder ... how many more will I have? What should I be doing? I have been sorting my things. The more I do now, the less the kids will have to

Pretty Good

I am learning that I have good days and bad. I am praising God for the good ones and dealing w/ the bad. The meds make me tired.. It is frustrating when i can't do what I want and need to do (like clean my house!) but I am grateful for what I can do!

I went to school and met the new principal on tuesday. It went well. I was upfront about my health and explained that until the lord tells me to give up...i just don't intend to. He was very supportive. Unfortunately wendy isn't . But thats ok. I keep reminding myself of who is in control and taking it one day at a time.

Bill has been gone for a week today . seems like a month. He calls about once a day...emails a couple. he says that he is afraid of waking me... I wish that I could sleep....

He says he misses me .. I am waiting for him to say "I love you " before I do.
I know that he does.. in his way. But i also know other things. Things that will never change.
Oh well.......

Ali and Livi came tonight. Livi is growing like a weed. She is going on 6 months old already. She knows me when she sees me!! She giggles and squeals!!

I feel so bad for Ali. She woks so hard. But w/ Dennis not being able to work.. she just can't get ahead. I try to help but i can only do so much.. So... I pray...

God is good.. I thank him for every day... I thank him for His healing hand.. I praise him for what he is doing... !! IN all things... Praise Him.. Amen!!

long days and sleepless nights

I am not sure if it is the pain, the insominia from the chemo or the stress (or the combo) but sleep seems to come less often now.

When I can rest my mind seems to reel. After my Scotty went to heaven I found songs that he wrote in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. The words to those songs are so real to me now.

I am not that creative. I am hoping that maybe somthing that I say or write will comfort my family like those songs did me.

I feel like there is so much to do .. so much.. and yet I wonder if it matters.

I wonder if I am a complete let down to everyone.

Here it is summer. I hear the birds singing outside the window and see the beautiful sunrise. But i don't have the energy to go outside. I wish so badly that I had the energy to do things with the girls. The strength to put Livia and Jayden in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood.
Ahhh... I wish I had the energy to help Josh and Rachel. The energy to keep Livia more ... spend more time w/ her...

Ali came tonight. I am soooooooo proud of her. She works so hard and is such a good little mommy. Reminds me so much of when I was young.

I look @ Bill and know more every day that I am more of a burden and not at all what he needs or whats in this life. I just need to energy to fix it. He will never realize how much i love him and I will never be enough........

Energy .. oh Lord.. please.. just energy.. pain free energy.

I am working on things for my pre k class in the fall. I am not sure what the future holds but i do know that I am just not ready to give up. It is surprising how much purpose those little ones give me. Wendy tells me every day that I am not being fair by hanging on when I shouldn't. Oh Lord... give me strength...

Everyone know... I am holding on to you.. please continue to lift me up..........

I love you...

One day at a Time..

My little angel. Growing so fast! Almost 5 months old now.

I have been taking the chemo drug for 5 days now. No real adverse effects yet except that I can't sleep and have a tremendious headache.
Praise God, it could be so much worse! They say the more I take the more if will effect me though.

I am trying to work on things for school for the upcoming year. Both to keep my mind busy and focused on the future and to stay in denial about what "might be".

Look at this little one... I have to be here.. oh Lord.. I have to know her.. and she has to know how much I love her!

It is obvious how much my friends are praying. My legs ache ... and I know they are praying because Praise God, it stops.. enough for me to be able to function. I am usually only able to do one real thing a day but alleluia .. I do it.

Bill got his moms wheel chair and put in in the truck of my car. Now with a little assistance, I can go to the store or where I need to go. He will be going out of state (army stuff again) for a few weeks so thankfully I will have that.

Onward.. and forward.. one day at a time sweet Jesus. I remember my grandma singing that song .. oh how true it is. I wish that everyone realized how precious the days are.

The times we don't remember to call or visit. The times we don't remmeber to say goodnight or kiss goodbye.. the times we have a chance and don't... the moments we only live once....