Give me strength

Every day I wake up and say Lord, Please help me get through the day. Give me the strength to do what I need to do and if it is your will, something I eould like to do. Lately, Praise God, He gets me through doing what I need to do.

I only have 5 more days of school left for this year. I feel relieved in many ways and sad in others. Sad to see my little ones go. Although I am excited t watch them grow and mature.

Sad at the thought of maybe never going back. Those little ones are so precious to me.
I have so much I want to do , so much I want to share... yet my energy does not allow. I sit most of the morning, giving direction and waiting for them to come to me. Grateful that I am there and that I am needed.

I take another pain pill every 2 hours to dull the pain enough t go on. Then home to rest the rest of the day to try t do it all again. I thank God I get the chance!

Saturday

1. 
   Today is Saturday. Another lonely day. I don't feel like doing my household chores or running errands like I would do on a normal Saturday. I slept until nearly 10:00 this morning! (well after I got Bill off to work at 5) The pain in my leg was bad so I took a pain pill and rested until it took effect. Then I was able to meander to the shower and get dressed for the day.
2. This week was the school musical. My niece Karli (w/ blue sash) is in 5th grade. She and other kids worked so hard on this. It was adorable! Seems like yesterday that my kids were in these little productions.
3. Kids... they keep me going. It's their innocence and appreciation for the small things in life. They accept me fro who I am. Karli is 10 years old now. My goodness. She was just a baby when my mom underwent emergency surgery for a perforated bowel and was in intensive care for months. Karli came to know me as "mammaw" and it stuck. She and her little sister Hannah (6) are like grand babies to me. They go to school where I teach so i get to see them every day.
4. We only have 7 more days of school I hope I make it. Every day is harder than the day before. My aid Wendy; has been a trooper. I sit and direct traffic and she guides them.
5. The weather is supposed to be nice this week. I hope that I feel like going outdoors w/ the kids. 7 more days.. then my treatments begin........I am anxious, nervous, excited, scared..
6. I feel like my life will be ending and I am praying for it to be starting all at the same time.
7. I know in my heart that there is no end to thus ugly cancer, I just keep praying for more time. More time to see Karli and Hannah grow, more time to get to know Livia and Jayden and have them get to know me..more time to be w/ Ali and Josh.. More time to be w/ Bill... with mom..
8. Am I being selfish? I don't deserve more time any more than anyone else and if I get more time will I just be more of a burden to my family and friends?
9. Already it is hard on them. I can't keep house like I need to or cook... when I go anywhere I need help... yet I can't give up.. I keep praying that tomorrow will be better....

a beautiful Day

Today is a beautiful Spring Day. On days like to

day I reminisce about when I was young, first married and had my first baby. My Scotty.

Now on these spring days, this is where I visit my Scotty. For now. On his stone it reads.. :"Resting until the wind blows us towards a new day and a new meeting." Oh how glorious that day will be! I miss him so much. It is so beautiful at the cemetary. The redbud trees are in bloom.

I love these beautiful spring days. Not too hot.. not too cool.. As I am waiting to begin my treatment I can feel myself getting weaker. Just 9 more days of school left. I want so much to finish them. Especially since I don't know what next year holds. I am optimistic that the treatment will be successful and I will be back. But I also have to be realistic in that I might not. I haven't worked for the last 2 days. Putting weight on my leg is excruciating. I guess the tumors are pressing on the nerves. I have been resting hoping to be able to make it tomorrow. Pray that I can.

Summer is around the corner. I pray that I will be able to be outside w/ Livia and Jayden.. Karli and Hannah.

For now I am tired and need to rest..

lonliness

Anyone who has not experienced cancer will ever to be able to understand how lonley it is.

There is an inner loneliness that no one can explain. I remember Scott telling me that and as much as I thought I understood I didn't.

So many thoughts go through my mind. If my life is almost what do I still need to do? What have I done? Have I accomplished anything? Does it matter anyway?

I feel as though life is going on all around me and I am no longer a part of anything. I need and crave people around me , not only for the physical needs that I have but to fill the voids.

It is uncomfortable for being to be around me I know. They don't know what to say (Or they think they don't). So, they avoid me altogether. Maybe they feel guilty that they can go on with normal activties when I can't (I know that's how I felt w/Scott) or perhaps they are just bored w/ me.

Some of my friends have flat out told me that they can't stand the thought of my dying so they choose to stay away. Guess they don't realize that I'm not dead yet. I can still talk, I can still laugh and most of all I can still feel.

Cancer is not contagious. People act like they don't want to touch me. Like I have the plague or something. I think I long for physical touch more now than I ever have in my life. And receive it less. Maybe that's why I love being around kids so much. they don't care. They live for the day. The here and now. That's what is important.

I do hurt. My body hurts. It's hard to do things that I want and need to do. But I am not dead yet. And if I have my way, I won't be for awhile yet. Now, The Lord may have other plans. He knows best so I won't argue . Until then however, I plan to live the best I can.

The one thing that I long for most is normalcy. I guess nothing will ever be the same.



The biggest thing I guess is that my feelings for everyone haven't changed. I may appreciate them more or even be a little less intolerant of stupid stuff

Making Ourselves Happy

If there is one thing I have come to realize it is that we have to make ourselves happy.

I think that we all believe (especially girls) that someday we will meet prince charming and he will make everything right w/ the world. Then when he lets us down our world comes crashing down around us.

I was one of those girls. I got married young to my high school sweetheart. Started a family young. It didn't take long to realize that there was no happiness here. We were too young. We didn't have a clue what we were doing and most of all, we were not happy spending all of our time together. What we wanted out of life were two very different things. Not to mention the fact that he could be abusive when things were not going his way.

So I was there with 3 babies trying to get my life going going in the direction it needed to go for all our sakes. Thank goodness for my mom and dad.

Well the years were not easy (My kids can testify to that) but there was always light at the end of the tunnel praise God and I soon realized that my happiness was found in those children.

What a blessing they were. Two boys (each very different people) but both precious and my daughter. Everything important I have learned in life (aside from what the Lord has shown me) came from them.

Well the years went by and the kids grew up. My oldest son, Scott was a research genealogist. People from all over the world came to him to help find their roots. He was accurate, articulate and oh so very funny. He had a heart as big as all outdoors. And like me, he found happiness in children. In the little stuff. I speak of him in past tense because he went home to the Lord on May 19, 2006. He suffered for over three years with gastroparesis. Unable to eat he had a feeding tube for over two of those years. He literally starved to death. He started as a hearty 250 lb. man and weighed around 80 lbs when we passed away. But through all of this his focus was on life. On what made himself and more importantly those around him happy. He never stopped living. On the day he died he drove himself to the doctor and some errands. What a role model for me! Oh how can I allow myself to give up????? Every time I try I hear his voice say "I love you mama.. keep going.. its not time yet. "But oh.. how hard it gets. How my heart longs to be with him at times.

But then, there is my other son. My handsome Joshua. Josh is 28 years old now. So much like his mama. He is hard working man. Interested in everything life has to offer, dabbles in it all. (He is a supervisor at Polaris Lab.) He goes to school and takes care of his wife Rachel and his home. My mother also lives with him and he takes care of her at times. How proud I am of him!! He calls me everyday to see what I need.

And my beautiful Ali. Good things come to those who wait. After 2 beautiful boys the Lord blessed me with a 6 lb. 8 oz. beautiful baby girl. And she has grown in to a beautiful independent woman whom I am very proud of. She is currently working on her masters degree. She is married to Dennis and on January 20, 2009 (my 50th birthday) she gave me the most wonderful present a mom could ever receive. My first grand baby!!!!! Livia Claire Parmley was born shortly before midnight. I was there waiting to lay my eyes on her and be there for my daughter. Who was brave and did not need mom at all. My beautiful Livi is 3 months old now and the spitting image of her mama (w/ a little of daddy thrown in there) haha. She gives me a reason to go on... to be happy...

My children are all grown up now.. so proud they make me...

I live with my best friend Bill. He is a military man. He served in Afghanistan in 2006- 2007.

a man with integrity. He works hard and helps take very good care of me. He has a 11 month old grandson (Jayden) whom he graciously shares with me. Jayden is beautiful. He is learning to walk and talk. Here's a picture of him an grandpa taken a couple months ago.

I look around and i have so much to be grateful for . My heart longs for things it does not have,
my Scotty, my health, money etc. but oh how much I do have.My little ones at school also remind every day that happiness comes from within.

The Lord has blessed me with so much

As I look at the window at the beautiful spring green and hear the songs of the morning birds, I am reminded of a favorite song.

"How can I keep from singing?"