a new year?

Well I made through Christmas. Livias first Christmas. She was so funny!! She's walking and trying to talk!! She says I love you!! She knows her ma and gives me kisses. Oh how precious she is.

Christmas was hectic. Everone had places to be abd some had to work. But we were all together.
I hope that kids realize that was what was the most important.

Mom stays with me every day now. I am not able to do much of anything for myself. Taking a shower does me in for the rest of the day. Bill got his moms chair to put in the shower. That helps a lot.

I keep wondering how many more days i have and what to do with the ones i have.

the pain limits me. the pills help some but they make me sleep. I feel like im wasting time.

I wish people would call and visit more. i know aometimes they call and i dont feel like talking but i hope they keep trying. I miss everyone.

Back at it... more

The last post posted before I was fin

ished.. oops...

I suppose that I am just rambling anyway.. Just thinking... wondering..

My mind thinks of a song that Scott wrote right before he died. "In the Darkness". He taled about how he prayed and thought about how it would be inthe darkness of his room at night. I so relate.

So many things I want and need to do. And so many times I wonder why? Does it matter?

I am so lonley. Even in a group I am lonley. It is so hard to explain. Everyone tells me to call someone else. To talk to people. Everyone says the same thing.. "you sound good". They don't know what to say.. I know...
So I just don't talk........

I just want everyone to know how much they mean to me,, how much I will miss them. I know where Im going will be so much better but the thought of leaving those I love is hard. I know everyone has a life and they can't (nor do I want them to) put a hold on things for me.. but sometimes............ I just want to scream hellooooooooooo we MIGHT NOT have tomorrow........PLEASE talk to me!!

Normal but not normal thats how I want it. So hard to explain.......... I love you all If I foget to do or say something I should have.. Please forgive me.......

Back at it

Its been a long time since I posted anything. I was very sick for awhile and then I had difficulty logging in.

Siince my last posting I have been in and out of the hospital, had radiation and begun chemo.

The tumor became so enlarged that it ruptured. I bled out so badly the house looked like a murder had taken place..:( . The first time the ambulance took me to the hospital and they packed me and sent me home. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and it happened again. This time I collapsed just as Bill got to me. This time I spent 5 days in the hospital and received blood transfusions and started radiation.

Now I am taking chemo every 3 weeks. The doctors are saying there is no more they can do. They are just hoping the chemo will keep the bleeding under control. So far it has been minimal as long as I don't try to do anything. It is sooooooooooo frustrating. I can't keep house, go shopping or anything! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I take my next treatment on Monday. THey give me nausia meds that last about 24 hours. Then I puke for a week. Then the second week it's on and off... and my legs ache.........:(... then just as I am starting to feel half way normal, it's time to start all over again. I am not sure how long I will continue.. just depends on the side effects i guess. Its so frustrating not t be able to do anything for the holidays. I baked a ham and a couple pies this weekend cause I know I will be out of it for Thanksgiving. I feel bad for Bill but he doesn't eat much anyway.

I went to the mall today and had Livia and Jyllaynes Christmas picture made. It was fin. Livy smiles all the time so it was easy as can be. I sat in my wheel chair quite awhile so my back and side are hurting tonight. Oh well.

Bill had E squad today. Had to be at work at 4 am and didn't get home til 7 p.m. Needless to say, he came in and went right to bed. He is working at Wishard doing transports for the hospital so hes closer to home if I need him now.

The days just seem to go by. I don't acomplish much of anything. Every night I think .. well one more day. I wonder ... how many more will I have? What should I be doing? I have been sorting my things. The more I do now, the less the kids will have to

Pretty Good

I am learning that I have good days and bad. I am praising God for the good ones and dealing w/ the bad. The meds make me tired.. It is frustrating when i can't do what I want and need to do (like clean my house!) but I am grateful for what I can do!

I went to school and met the new principal on tuesday. It went well. I was upfront about my health and explained that until the lord tells me to give up...i just don't intend to. He was very supportive. Unfortunately wendy isn't . But thats ok. I keep reminding myself of who is in control and taking it one day at a time.

Bill has been gone for a week today . seems like a month. He calls about once a day...emails a couple. he says that he is afraid of waking me... I wish that I could sleep....

He says he misses me .. I am waiting for him to say "I love you " before I do.
I know that he does.. in his way. But i also know other things. Things that will never change.
Oh well.......

Ali and Livi came tonight. Livi is growing like a weed. She is going on 6 months old already. She knows me when she sees me!! She giggles and squeals!!

I feel so bad for Ali. She woks so hard. But w/ Dennis not being able to work.. she just can't get ahead. I try to help but i can only do so much.. So... I pray...

God is good.. I thank him for every day... I thank him for His healing hand.. I praise him for what he is doing... !! IN all things... Praise Him.. Amen!!

long days and sleepless nights

I am not sure if it is the pain, the insominia from the chemo or the stress (or the combo) but sleep seems to come less often now.

When I can rest my mind seems to reel. After my Scotty went to heaven I found songs that he wrote in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. The words to those songs are so real to me now.

I am not that creative. I am hoping that maybe somthing that I say or write will comfort my family like those songs did me.

I feel like there is so much to do .. so much.. and yet I wonder if it matters.

I wonder if I am a complete let down to everyone.

Here it is summer. I hear the birds singing outside the window and see the beautiful sunrise. But i don't have the energy to go outside. I wish so badly that I had the energy to do things with the girls. The strength to put Livia and Jayden in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood.
Ahhh... I wish I had the energy to help Josh and Rachel. The energy to keep Livia more ... spend more time w/ her...

Ali came tonight. I am soooooooo proud of her. She works so hard and is such a good little mommy. Reminds me so much of when I was young.

I look @ Bill and know more every day that I am more of a burden and not at all what he needs or whats in this life. I just need to energy to fix it. He will never realize how much i love him and I will never be enough........

Energy .. oh Lord.. please.. just energy.. pain free energy.

I am working on things for my pre k class in the fall. I am not sure what the future holds but i do know that I am just not ready to give up. It is surprising how much purpose those little ones give me. Wendy tells me every day that I am not being fair by hanging on when I shouldn't. Oh Lord... give me strength...

Everyone know... I am holding on to you.. please continue to lift me up..........

I love you...

One day at a Time..

My little angel. Growing so fast! Almost 5 months old now.

I have been taking the chemo drug for 5 days now. No real adverse effects yet except that I can't sleep and have a tremendious headache.
Praise God, it could be so much worse! They say the more I take the more if will effect me though.

I am trying to work on things for school for the upcoming year. Both to keep my mind busy and focused on the future and to stay in denial about what "might be".

Look at this little one... I have to be here.. oh Lord.. I have to know her.. and she has to know how much I love her!

It is obvious how much my friends are praying. My legs ache ... and I know they are praying because Praise God, it stops.. enough for me to be able to function. I am usually only able to do one real thing a day but alleluia .. I do it.

Bill got his moms wheel chair and put in in the truck of my car. Now with a little assistance, I can go to the store or where I need to go. He will be going out of state (army stuff again) for a few weeks so thankfully I will have that.

Onward.. and forward.. one day at a time sweet Jesus. I remember my grandma singing that song .. oh how true it is. I wish that everyone realized how precious the days are.

The times we don't remember to call or visit. The times we don't remmeber to say goodnight or kiss goodbye.. the times we have a chance and don't... the moments we only live once....

Give me strength

Every day I wake up and say Lord, Please help me get through the day. Give me the strength to do what I need to do and if it is your will, something I eould like to do. Lately, Praise God, He gets me through doing what I need to do.

I only have 5 more days of school left for this year. I feel relieved in many ways and sad in others. Sad to see my little ones go. Although I am excited t watch them grow and mature.

Sad at the thought of maybe never going back. Those little ones are so precious to me.
I have so much I want to do , so much I want to share... yet my energy does not allow. I sit most of the morning, giving direction and waiting for them to come to me. Grateful that I am there and that I am needed.

I take another pain pill every 2 hours to dull the pain enough t go on. Then home to rest the rest of the day to try t do it all again. I thank God I get the chance!

Saturday

1. 
   Today is Saturday. Another lonely day. I don't feel like doing my household chores or running errands like I would do on a normal Saturday. I slept until nearly 10:00 this morning! (well after I got Bill off to work at 5) The pain in my leg was bad so I took a pain pill and rested until it took effect. Then I was able to meander to the shower and get dressed for the day.
2. This week was the school musical. My niece Karli (w/ blue sash) is in 5th grade. She and other kids worked so hard on this. It was adorable! Seems like yesterday that my kids were in these little productions.
3. Kids... they keep me going. It's their innocence and appreciation for the small things in life. They accept me fro who I am. Karli is 10 years old now. My goodness. She was just a baby when my mom underwent emergency surgery for a perforated bowel and was in intensive care for months. Karli came to know me as "mammaw" and it stuck. She and her little sister Hannah (6) are like grand babies to me. They go to school where I teach so i get to see them every day.
4. We only have 7 more days of school I hope I make it. Every day is harder than the day before. My aid Wendy; has been a trooper. I sit and direct traffic and she guides them.
5. The weather is supposed to be nice this week. I hope that I feel like going outdoors w/ the kids. 7 more days.. then my treatments begin........I am anxious, nervous, excited, scared..
6. I feel like my life will be ending and I am praying for it to be starting all at the same time.
7. I know in my heart that there is no end to thus ugly cancer, I just keep praying for more time. More time to see Karli and Hannah grow, more time to get to know Livia and Jayden and have them get to know me..more time to be w/ Ali and Josh.. More time to be w/ Bill... with mom..
8. Am I being selfish? I don't deserve more time any more than anyone else and if I get more time will I just be more of a burden to my family and friends?
9. Already it is hard on them. I can't keep house like I need to or cook... when I go anywhere I need help... yet I can't give up.. I keep praying that tomorrow will be better....

a beautiful Day

Today is a beautiful Spring Day. On days like to

day I reminisce about when I was young, first married and had my first baby. My Scotty.

Now on these spring days, this is where I visit my Scotty. For now. On his stone it reads.. :"Resting until the wind blows us towards a new day and a new meeting." Oh how glorious that day will be! I miss him so much. It is so beautiful at the cemetary. The redbud trees are in bloom.

I love these beautiful spring days. Not too hot.. not too cool.. As I am waiting to begin my treatment I can feel myself getting weaker. Just 9 more days of school left. I want so much to finish them. Especially since I don't know what next year holds. I am optimistic that the treatment will be successful and I will be back. But I also have to be realistic in that I might not. I haven't worked for the last 2 days. Putting weight on my leg is excruciating. I guess the tumors are pressing on the nerves. I have been resting hoping to be able to make it tomorrow. Pray that I can.

Summer is around the corner. I pray that I will be able to be outside w/ Livia and Jayden.. Karli and Hannah.

For now I am tired and need to rest..

lonliness

Anyone who has not experienced cancer will ever to be able to understand how lonley it is.

There is an inner loneliness that no one can explain. I remember Scott telling me that and as much as I thought I understood I didn't.

So many thoughts go through my mind. If my life is almost what do I still need to do? What have I done? Have I accomplished anything? Does it matter anyway?

I feel as though life is going on all around me and I am no longer a part of anything. I need and crave people around me , not only for the physical needs that I have but to fill the voids.

It is uncomfortable for being to be around me I know. They don't know what to say (Or they think they don't). So, they avoid me altogether. Maybe they feel guilty that they can go on with normal activties when I can't (I know that's how I felt w/Scott) or perhaps they are just bored w/ me.

Some of my friends have flat out told me that they can't stand the thought of my dying so they choose to stay away. Guess they don't realize that I'm not dead yet. I can still talk, I can still laugh and most of all I can still feel.

Cancer is not contagious. People act like they don't want to touch me. Like I have the plague or something. I think I long for physical touch more now than I ever have in my life. And receive it less. Maybe that's why I love being around kids so much. they don't care. They live for the day. The here and now. That's what is important.

I do hurt. My body hurts. It's hard to do things that I want and need to do. But I am not dead yet. And if I have my way, I won't be for awhile yet. Now, The Lord may have other plans. He knows best so I won't argue . Until then however, I plan to live the best I can.

The one thing that I long for most is normalcy. I guess nothing will ever be the same.



The biggest thing I guess is that my feelings for everyone haven't changed. I may appreciate them more or even be a little less intolerant of stupid stuff

Making Ourselves Happy

If there is one thing I have come to realize it is that we have to make ourselves happy.

I think that we all believe (especially girls) that someday we will meet prince charming and he will make everything right w/ the world. Then when he lets us down our world comes crashing down around us.

I was one of those girls. I got married young to my high school sweetheart. Started a family young. It didn't take long to realize that there was no happiness here. We were too young. We didn't have a clue what we were doing and most of all, we were not happy spending all of our time together. What we wanted out of life were two very different things. Not to mention the fact that he could be abusive when things were not going his way.

So I was there with 3 babies trying to get my life going going in the direction it needed to go for all our sakes. Thank goodness for my mom and dad.

Well the years were not easy (My kids can testify to that) but there was always light at the end of the tunnel praise God and I soon realized that my happiness was found in those children.

What a blessing they were. Two boys (each very different people) but both precious and my daughter. Everything important I have learned in life (aside from what the Lord has shown me) came from them.

Well the years went by and the kids grew up. My oldest son, Scott was a research genealogist. People from all over the world came to him to help find their roots. He was accurate, articulate and oh so very funny. He had a heart as big as all outdoors. And like me, he found happiness in children. In the little stuff. I speak of him in past tense because he went home to the Lord on May 19, 2006. He suffered for over three years with gastroparesis. Unable to eat he had a feeding tube for over two of those years. He literally starved to death. He started as a hearty 250 lb. man and weighed around 80 lbs when we passed away. But through all of this his focus was on life. On what made himself and more importantly those around him happy. He never stopped living. On the day he died he drove himself to the doctor and some errands. What a role model for me! Oh how can I allow myself to give up????? Every time I try I hear his voice say "I love you mama.. keep going.. its not time yet. "But oh.. how hard it gets. How my heart longs to be with him at times.

But then, there is my other son. My handsome Joshua. Josh is 28 years old now. So much like his mama. He is hard working man. Interested in everything life has to offer, dabbles in it all. (He is a supervisor at Polaris Lab.) He goes to school and takes care of his wife Rachel and his home. My mother also lives with him and he takes care of her at times. How proud I am of him!! He calls me everyday to see what I need.

And my beautiful Ali. Good things come to those who wait. After 2 beautiful boys the Lord blessed me with a 6 lb. 8 oz. beautiful baby girl. And she has grown in to a beautiful independent woman whom I am very proud of. She is currently working on her masters degree. She is married to Dennis and on January 20, 2009 (my 50th birthday) she gave me the most wonderful present a mom could ever receive. My first grand baby!!!!! Livia Claire Parmley was born shortly before midnight. I was there waiting to lay my eyes on her and be there for my daughter. Who was brave and did not need mom at all. My beautiful Livi is 3 months old now and the spitting image of her mama (w/ a little of daddy thrown in there) haha. She gives me a reason to go on... to be happy...

My children are all grown up now.. so proud they make me...

I live with my best friend Bill. He is a military man. He served in Afghanistan in 2006- 2007.

a man with integrity. He works hard and helps take very good care of me. He has a 11 month old grandson (Jayden) whom he graciously shares with me. Jayden is beautiful. He is learning to walk and talk. Here's a picture of him an grandpa taken a couple months ago.

I look around and i have so much to be grateful for . My heart longs for things it does not have,
my Scotty, my health, money etc. but oh how much I do have.My little ones at school also remind every day that happiness comes from within.

The Lord has blessed me with so much

As I look at the window at the beautiful spring green and hear the songs of the morning birds, I am reminded of a favorite song.

"How can I keep from singing?"

Another Day

Well it's almost 5 a.m. Bill just left for work. I will get ready for school shortly. Each day is getting harder. Just trying to control the pain. I have to get through 4 more weeks of school.
Just standing on my feet is painul. Driving is worse.
But, praise God I am alive another day!!!

Ali came yesterday and she and Livi spent the day w/ me. Yea!!
Livi is growing my leaps and bounds. Se is holding her head up and looking around. She is watching the dogs and giggling. She hears my voice and responds.

She really responds when she hears her mommy's!

She looks like Ali when she was a baby with the dark hair. Brings back so many memories. Where does the time go? It makes me want to scream at the world.........Slow Down! Take care to love and appreciate one another! But who would listen? Everyone has an agenda. So much to do.
Like it will matter in the long run.......

Making memories.. loving the ones we are with... thats whats important.
Everyone is always searching for something.. someone better........

Anyway.. I need to get showered and get at it... The weather is beautiful and God is good.. Amen!

Busy day

Today was grandparents day at school. How fun! It it so fun to watch the excitement on the kids faces when they see their gandparents arrive. :). Some of them went to church together and then they came back for snacks and a visit. I pray that some day I am able to go to Livi's school for a day like this!! Until then , one day at a time. It is a beautiful spring day. 78 degrees. Whoo hoo! I am cold so much these days. Its soooooooo nice to be warm!

I am going through some pictures I tool this morning and just resting a bit.

Bill will be home tonight and we will have the weekend.

My kids at school......

My kids at school keep me going. They are so innocent. They require a lot of energy but I always feel like the time i spend with them actually matters. There are only a few weeks of school left. I just can't imagine not going back there. Every day is harder than the one before but i never regret going. These guys are always happy to see me, always say they love me and miss me..who could ask for anything more?

Making Decisions

Last week when I saw the gyn oncologist she confirmed that the cancer is back and in my lymph nodes. She told me that there are 2 different forms of chemo that we can try. She said that neither of these is going to cure me. After a recurrence like this I only have a 30% chance of the treatment slowing down the growth. She gave me a file of papers to read and told me to call her when I had made a decision.

Great -

a Clinical Trial - this one will make me nauseous and I will sleep all the time. I take 4 pills a day for 5 days a week..at least I will not be bald when I sleep...geash..........I guess they can just lay Livi beside me and we can nap........ and nap.........and nap...........

Or I can have a port put in and go 5 days a week for IV chemo... come home .. get sick and sleep .. and be bald.........

Well, I read and re read the info and made what I guess is the best decision for now.........

I go on the 29th of May for tests.. If my heart is strong enough, I begin the clinical trial on June 1.

After 4 weeks, I go for tests to see whats happenning. If it gets bad or I don't respond, they can switch me to the other one.

who knows.. they are both a shot in the dark..right?

I am trying to get through the next next few weeks. School is out the 28th of May. This may be my last year of teaching. I want to finish!

I feel as though in a few weeks my life will be over...I won't be any good to anyone.
There is so much to do! So much time I want to spend with everyone. I know that everyone can't put a hold on their lives (I would never want them to) but I feel like time is slipping away.

My Livi.. her life is just beginning.. I want her to know how much I love her!! She won't even remember me!! I feel like I have to do something. But what!?!

Oh my thoughts get so jumbled.. I pray Lord.. give me peace...

My children

As you can see from my photo my precious little Livia. She is 3 months old today.She was born on my 50th Birthday.
What a present! My daughter Ali, was born on my mothers birthday! It's a family tradition. haha.

My children have been the greatest gift the Lord has ever given. Through thick and thin we have stuck together. I was a young mother and grew up with my kids. I made lots of mistakes but I always, always loved my kids. I hope they know that!

My oldest son Scott, went home to be with the Lord on May 19, 2006. He was only 29 years old. In his short life, he acomplished more than most of us do in a long lifetime. He was an awesome man! He was a genelogist. He knew how very important family is. He knew the importance of doing things right the first time.

My son Joshua.. ny rock ... More like me than he would like to admit..
His love of the Lord and strong faith are such an inspiration. He is so smart. Anytime I have a question about anything, I ask Josh. He is a hard working man with so much integrity.

My daughter.. my little girl.. she would not like me saying that.. she is a grown woman.
A hard working woman. She is such a good mother. I am so very prous of her!

Penny's Life Today

This is my first post and I am not really sure how I am going to do this.
Facing big changes in my life, I thought that it might be interesting to post my thoughts.
I think it will be a good release for me and perhaps at some point, bring peace to my family and friends.