Monday, April 20, 2009

Making Decisions

Last week when I saw the gyn oncologist she confirmed that the cancer is back and in my lymph nodes. She told me that there are 2 different forms of chemo that we can try. She said that neither of these is going to cure me. After a recurrence like this I only have a 30% chance of the treatment slowing down the growth. She gave me a file of papers to read and told me to call her when I had made a decision.

Great -

a Clinical Trial - this one will make me nauseous and I will sleep all the time. I take 4 pills a day for 5 days a least I will not be bald when I sleep...geash..........I guess they can just lay Livi beside me and we can nap........ and nap.........and nap...........

Or I can have a port put in and go 5 days a week for IV chemo... come home .. get sick and sleep .. and be bald.........

Well, I read and re read the info and made what I guess is the best decision for now.........

I go on the 29th of May for tests.. If my heart is strong enough, I begin the clinical trial on June 1.

After 4 weeks, I go for tests to see whats happenning. If it gets bad or I don't respond, they can switch me to the other one.

who knows.. they are both a shot in the dark..right?

I am trying to get through the next next few weeks. School is out the 28th of May. This may be my last year of teaching. I want to finish!

I feel as though in a few weeks my life will be over...I won't be any good to anyone.
There is so much to do! So much time I want to spend with everyone. I know that everyone can't put a hold on their lives (I would never want them to) but I feel like time is slipping away.

My Livi.. her life is just beginning.. I want her to know how much I love her!! She won't even remember me!! I feel like I have to do something. But what!?!

Oh my thoughts get so jumbled.. I pray Lord.. give me peace...

1 comment:

  1. Oh my dear, precious friend, I can only imagine how painful the decisions you are now making are for you. Please know I am praying at every remembrance of you, which is so very often, many times daily.

    You have made the best decision you are capable of making, it is now in the hands of the Lord. Please believe me when I say I know how hollow and trite that sounds.

    I want to encourage you, to promise you it will all be okay. Yet I know all too well that, sometimes, what makes it 'okay' is not the kind of healing we hope for, but the ultimate healing of going home to be with Jesus.

    I will continue to ask the Lord to lengthen your days according to His divine will. My heart is with you and with your family. I love you my precious friend!

    Many hugs........