Making Decisions

Last week when I saw the gyn oncologist she confirmed that the cancer is back and in my lymph nodes. She told me that there are 2 different forms of chemo that we can try. She said that neither of these is going to cure me. After a recurrence like this I only have a 30% chance of the treatment slowing down the growth. She gave me a file of papers to read and told me to call her when I had made a decision.

Great -

a Clinical Trial - this one will make me nauseous and I will sleep all the time. I take 4 pills a day for 5 days a week..at least I will not be bald when I sleep...geash..........I guess they can just lay Livi beside me and we can nap........ and nap.........and nap...........

Or I can have a port put in and go 5 days a week for IV chemo... come home .. get sick and sleep .. and be bald.........

Well, I read and re read the info and made what I guess is the best decision for now.........

I go on the 29th of May for tests.. If my heart is strong enough, I begin the clinical trial on June 1.

After 4 weeks, I go for tests to see whats happenning. If it gets bad or I don't respond, they can switch me to the other one.

who knows.. they are both a shot in the dark..right?

I am trying to get through the next next few weeks. School is out the 28th of May. This may be my last year of teaching. I want to finish!

I feel as though in a few weeks my life will be over...I won't be any good to anyone.
There is so much to do! So much time I want to spend with everyone. I know that everyone can't put a hold on their lives (I would never want them to) but I feel like time is slipping away.

My Livi.. her life is just beginning.. I want her to know how much I love her!! She won't even remember me!! I feel like I have to do something. But what!?!

Oh my thoughts get so jumbled.. I pray Lord.. give me peace...