Monday, December 28, 2009
Christmas was hectic. Everone had places to be abd some had to work. But we were all together.
I hope that kids realize that was what was the most important.
Mom stays with me every day now. I am not able to do much of anything for myself. Taking a shower does me in for the rest of the day. Bill got his moms chair to put in the shower. That helps a lot.
I keep wondering how many more days i have and what to do with the ones i have.
the pain limits me. the pills help some but they make me sleep. I feel like im wasting time.
I wish people would call and visit more. i know aometimes they call and i dont feel like talking but i hope they keep trying. I miss everyone.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I suppose that I am just rambling anyway.. Just thinking... wondering..
My mind thinks of a song that Scott wrote right before he died. "In the Darkness". He taled about how he prayed and thought about how it would be inthe darkness of his room at night. I so relate.
So many things I want and need to do. And so many times I wonder why? Does it matter?
I am so lonley. Even in a group I am lonley. It is so hard to explain. Everyone tells me to call someone else. To talk to people. Everyone says the same thing.. "you sound good". They don't know what to say.. I know...
So I just don't talk........
I just want everyone to know how much they mean to me,, how much I will miss them. I know where Im going will be so much better but the thought of leaving those I love is hard. I know everyone has a life and they can't (nor do I want them to) put a hold on things for me.. but sometimes............ I just want to scream hellooooooooooo we MIGHT NOT have tomorrow........PLEASE talk to me!!
Normal but not normal thats how I want it. So hard to explain.......... I love you all If I foget to do or say something I should have.. Please forgive me.......
Siince my last posting I have been in and out of the hospital, had radiation and begun chemo.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I went to school and met the new principal on tuesday. It went well. I was upfront about my health and explained that until the lord tells me to give up...i just don't intend to. He was very supportive. Unfortunately wendy isn't . But thats ok. I keep reminding myself of who is in control and taking it one day at a time.
Bill has been gone for a week today . seems like a month. He calls about once a day...emails a couple. he says that he is afraid of waking me... I wish that I could sleep....
He says he misses me .. I am waiting for him to say "I love you " before I do.
I know that he does.. in his way. But i also know other things. Things that will never change.
Ali and Livi came tonight. Livi is growing like a weed. She is going on 6 months old already. She knows me when she sees me!! She giggles and squeals!!
I feel so bad for Ali. She woks so hard. But w/ Dennis not being able to work.. she just can't get ahead. I try to help but i can only do so much.. So... I pray...
God is good.. I thank him for every day... I thank him for His healing hand.. I praise him for what he is doing... !! IN all things... Praise Him.. Amen!!
Friday, June 12, 2009
When I can rest my mind seems to reel. After my Scotty went to heaven I found songs that he wrote in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. The words to those songs are so real to me now.
I am not that creative. I am hoping that maybe somthing that I say or write will comfort my family like those songs did me.
I feel like there is so much to do .. so much.. and yet I wonder if it matters.
I wonder if I am a complete let down to everyone.
Here it is summer. I hear the birds singing outside the window and see the beautiful sunrise. But i don't have the energy to go outside. I wish so badly that I had the energy to do things with the girls. The strength to put Livia and Jayden in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood.
Ahhh... I wish I had the energy to help Josh and Rachel. The energy to keep Livia more ... spend more time w/ her...
Ali came tonight. I am soooooooo proud of her. She works so hard and is such a good little mommy. Reminds me so much of when I was young.
I look @ Bill and know more every day that I am more of a burden and not at all what he needs or whats in this life. I just need to energy to fix it. He will never realize how much i love him and I will never be enough........
Energy .. oh Lord.. please.. just energy.. pain free energy.
I am working on things for my pre k class in the fall. I am not sure what the future holds but i do know that I am just not ready to give up. It is surprising how much purpose those little ones give me. Wendy tells me every day that I am not being fair by hanging on when I shouldn't. Oh Lord... give me strength...
Everyone know... I am holding on to you.. please continue to lift me up..........
I love you...
Friday, June 5, 2009
I have been taking the chemo drug for 5 days now. No real adverse effects yet except that I can't sleep and have a tremendious headache.
Praise God, it could be so much worse! They say the more I take the more if will effect me though.
I am trying to work on things for school for the upcoming year. Both to keep my mind busy and focused on the future and to stay in denial about what "might be".
Look at this little one... I have to be here.. oh Lord.. I have to know her.. and she has to know how much I love her!
It is obvious how much my friends are praying. My legs ache ... and I know they are praying because Praise God, it stops.. enough for me to be able to function. I am usually only able to do one real thing a day but alleluia .. I do it.
Bill got his moms wheel chair and put in in the truck of my car. Now with a little assistance, I can go to the store or where I need to go. He will be going out of state (army stuff again) for a few weeks so thankfully I will have that.
Onward.. and forward.. one day at a time sweet Jesus. I remember my grandma singing that song .. oh how true it is. I wish that everyone realized how precious the days are.
The times we don't remember to call or visit. The times we don't remmeber to say goodnight or kiss goodbye.. the times we have a chance and don't... the moments we only live once....
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I only have 5 more days of school left for this year. I feel relieved in many ways and sad in others. Sad to see my little ones go. Although I am excited t watch them grow and mature.
Sad at the thought of maybe never going back. Those little ones are so precious to me.
I have so much I want to do , so much I want to share... yet my energy does not allow. I sit most of the morning, giving direction and waiting for them to come to me. Grateful that I am there and that I am needed.
I take another pain pill every 2 hours to dull the pain enough t go on. Then home to rest the rest of the day to try t do it all again. I thank God I get the chance!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Today is Saturday. Another lonely day. I don't feel like doing my household chores or running errands like I would do on a normal Saturday. I slept until nearly 10:00 this morning! (well after I got Bill off to work at 5) The pain in my leg was bad so I took a pain pill and rested until it took effect. Then I was able to meander to the shower and get dressed for the day.
- This week was the school musical. My niece Karli (w/ blue sash) is in 5th grade. She and other kids worked so hard on this. It was adorable! Seems like yesterday that my kids were in these little productions.
- Kids... they keep me going. It's their innocence and appreciation for the small things in life. They accept me fro who I am. Karli is 10 years old now. My goodness. She was just a baby when my mom underwent emergency surgery for a perforated bowel and was in intensive care for months. Karli came to know me as "mammaw" and it stuck. She and her little sister Hannah (6) are like grand babies to me. They go to school where I teach so i get to see them every day.
- We only have 7 more days of school I hope I make it. Every day is harder than the day before. My aid Wendy; has been a trooper. I sit and direct traffic and she guides them.
- The weather is supposed to be nice this week. I hope that I feel like going outdoors w/ the kids. 7 more days.. then my treatments begin........I am anxious, nervous, excited, scared..
- I feel like my life will be ending and I am praying for it to be starting all at the same time.
- I know in my heart that there is no end to thus ugly cancer, I just keep praying for more time. More time to see Karli and Hannah grow, more time to get to know Livia and Jayden and have them get to know me..more time to be w/ Ali and Josh.. More time to be w/ Bill... with mom..
- Am I being selfish? I don't deserve more time any more than anyone else and if I get more time will I just be more of a burden to my family and friends?
- Already it is hard on them. I can't keep house like I need to or cook... when I go anywhere I need help... yet I can't give up.. I keep praying that tomorrow will be better....
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
day I reminisce about when I was young, first married and had my first baby. My Scotty.
Now on these spring days, this is where I visit my Scotty. For now. On his stone it reads.. :"Resting until the wind blows us towards a new day and a new meeting." Oh how glorious that day will be! I miss him so much. It is so beautiful at the cemetary. The redbud trees are in bloom.
I love these beautiful spring days. Not too hot.. not too cool.. As I am waiting to begin my treatment I can feel myself getting weaker. Just 9 more days of school left. I want so much to finish them. Especially since I don't know what next year holds. I am optimistic that the treatment will be successful and I will be back. But I also have to be realistic in that I might not. I haven't worked for the last 2 days. Putting weight on my leg is excruciating. I guess the tumors are pressing on the nerves. I have been resting hoping to be able to make it tomorrow. Pray that I can.
Summer is around the corner. I pray that I will be able to be outside w/ Livia and Jayden.. Karli and Hannah.
For now I am tired and need to rest..
Saturday, May 9, 2009
There is an inner loneliness that no one can explain. I remember Scott telling me that and as much as I thought I understood I didn't.
So many thoughts go through my mind. If my life is almost what do I still need to do? What have I done? Have I accomplished anything? Does it matter anyway?
I feel as though life is going on all around me and I am no longer a part of anything. I need and crave people around me , not only for the physical needs that I have but to fill the voids.
It is uncomfortable for being to be around me I know. They don't know what to say (Or they think they don't). So, they avoid me altogether. Maybe they feel guilty that they can go on with normal activties when I can't (I know that's how I felt w/Scott) or perhaps they are just bored w/ me.
Some of my friends have flat out told me that they can't stand the thought of my dying so they choose to stay away. Guess they don't realize that I'm not dead yet. I can still talk, I can still laugh and most of all I can still feel.
Cancer is not contagious. People act like they don't want to touch me. Like I have the plague or something. I think I long for physical touch more now than I ever have in my life. And receive it less. Maybe that's why I love being around kids so much. they don't care. They live for the day. The here and now. That's what is important.
I do hurt. My body hurts. It's hard to do things that I want and need to do. But I am not dead yet. And if I have my way, I won't be for awhile yet. Now, The Lord may have other plans. He knows best so I won't argue . Until then however, I plan to live the best I can.
The one thing that I long for most is normalcy. I guess nothing will ever be the same.
The biggest thing I guess is that my feelings for everyone haven't changed. I may appreciate them more or even be a little less intolerant of stupid stuff
Sunday, May 3, 2009
my Scotty, my health, money etc. but oh how much I do have.My little ones at school also remind every day that happiness comes from within.
As I look at the window at the beautiful spring green and hear the songs of the morning birds, I am reminded of a favorite song.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Just standing on my feet is painul. Driving is worse.
But, praise God I am alive another day!!!
Ali came yesterday and she and Livi spent the day w/ me. Yea!!
Livi is growing my leaps and bounds. Se is holding her head up and looking around. She is watching the dogs and giggling. She hears my voice and responds.
She really responds when she hears her mommy's!
She looks like Ali when she was a baby with the dark hair. Brings back so many memories. Where does the time go? It makes me want to scream at the world.........Slow Down! Take care to love and appreciate one another! But who would listen? Everyone has an agenda. So much to do.
Like it will matter in the long run.......
Making memories.. loving the ones we are with... thats whats important.
Everyone is always searching for something.. someone better........
Anyway.. I need to get showered and get at it... The weather is beautiful and God is good.. Amen!
Friday, April 24, 2009
I am going through some pictures I tool this morning and just resting a bit.
Bill will be home tonight and we will have the weekend.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
a Clinical Trial - this one will make me nauseous and I will sleep all the time. I take 4 pills a day for 5 days a week..at least I will not be bald when I sleep...geash..........I guess they can just lay Livi beside me and we can nap........ and nap.........and nap...........
Or I can have a port put in and go 5 days a week for IV chemo... come home .. get sick and sleep .. and be bald.........
Well, I read and re read the info and made what I guess is the best decision for now.........
I go on the 29th of May for tests.. If my heart is strong enough, I begin the clinical trial on June 1.
After 4 weeks, I go for tests to see whats happenning. If it gets bad or I don't respond, they can switch me to the other one.
who knows.. they are both a shot in the dark..right?
I am trying to get through the next next few weeks. School is out the 28th of May. This may be my last year of teaching. I want to finish!
I feel as though in a few weeks my life will be over...I won't be any good to anyone.
There is so much to do! So much time I want to spend with everyone. I know that everyone can't put a hold on their lives (I would never want them to) but I feel like time is slipping away.
My Livi.. her life is just beginning.. I want her to know how much I love her!! She won't even remember me!! I feel like I have to do something. But what!?!
Oh my thoughts get so jumbled.. I pray Lord.. give me peace...
What a present! My daughter Ali, was born on my mothers birthday! It's a family tradition. haha.
My children have been the greatest gift the Lord has ever given. Through thick and thin we have stuck together. I was a young mother and grew up with my kids. I made lots of mistakes but I always, always loved my kids. I hope they know that!
My oldest son Scott, went home to be with the Lord on May 19, 2006. He was only 29 years old. In his short life, he acomplished more than most of us do in a long lifetime. He was an awesome man! He was a genelogist. He knew how very important family is. He knew the importance of doing things right the first time.
My son Joshua.. ny rock ... More like me than he would like to admit..
His love of the Lord and strong faith are such an inspiration. He is so smart. Anytime I have a question about anything, I ask Josh. He is a hard working man with so much integrity.
My daughter.. my little girl.. she would not like me saying that.. she is a grown woman.
A hard working woman. She is such a good mother. I am so very prous of her!
Facing big changes in my life, I thought that it might be interesting to post my thoughts.
I think it will be a good release for me and perhaps at some point, bring peace to my family and friends.