Friday, June 12, 2009

long days and sleepless nights

I am not sure if it is the pain, the insominia from the chemo or the stress (or the combo) but sleep seems to come less often now.

When I can rest my mind seems to reel. After my Scotty went to heaven I found songs that he wrote in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. The words to those songs are so real to me now.

I am not that creative. I am hoping that maybe somthing that I say or write will comfort my family like those songs did me.

I feel like there is so much to do .. so much.. and yet I wonder if it matters.

I wonder if I am a complete let down to everyone.

Here it is summer. I hear the birds singing outside the window and see the beautiful sunrise. But i don't have the energy to go outside. I wish so badly that I had the energy to do things with the girls. The strength to put Livia and Jayden in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood.
Ahhh... I wish I had the energy to help Josh and Rachel. The energy to keep Livia more ... spend more time w/ her...

Ali came tonight. I am soooooooo proud of her. She works so hard and is such a good little mommy. Reminds me so much of when I was young.

I look @ Bill and know more every day that I am more of a burden and not at all what he needs or whats in this life. I just need to energy to fix it. He will never realize how much i love him and I will never be enough........

Energy .. oh Lord.. please.. just energy.. pain free energy.

I am working on things for my pre k class in the fall. I am not sure what the future holds but i do know that I am just not ready to give up. It is surprising how much purpose those little ones give me. Wendy tells me every day that I am not being fair by hanging on when I shouldn't. Oh Lord... give me strength...

Everyone know... I am holding on to you.. please continue to lift me up..........

I love you...

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