Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I only have 5 more days of school left for this year. I feel relieved in many ways and sad in others. Sad to see my little ones go. Although I am excited t watch them grow and mature.
Sad at the thought of maybe never going back. Those little ones are so precious to me.
I have so much I want to do , so much I want to share... yet my energy does not allow. I sit most of the morning, giving direction and waiting for them to come to me. Grateful that I am there and that I am needed.
I take another pain pill every 2 hours to dull the pain enough t go on. Then home to rest the rest of the day to try t do it all again. I thank God I get the chance!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Today is Saturday. Another lonely day. I don't feel like doing my household chores or running errands like I would do on a normal Saturday. I slept until nearly 10:00 this morning! (well after I got Bill off to work at 5) The pain in my leg was bad so I took a pain pill and rested until it took effect. Then I was able to meander to the shower and get dressed for the day.
- This week was the school musical. My niece Karli (w/ blue sash) is in 5th grade. She and other kids worked so hard on this. It was adorable! Seems like yesterday that my kids were in these little productions.
- Kids... they keep me going. It's their innocence and appreciation for the small things in life. They accept me fro who I am. Karli is 10 years old now. My goodness. She was just a baby when my mom underwent emergency surgery for a perforated bowel and was in intensive care for months. Karli came to know me as "mammaw" and it stuck. She and her little sister Hannah (6) are like grand babies to me. They go to school where I teach so i get to see them every day.
- We only have 7 more days of school I hope I make it. Every day is harder than the day before. My aid Wendy; has been a trooper. I sit and direct traffic and she guides them.
- The weather is supposed to be nice this week. I hope that I feel like going outdoors w/ the kids. 7 more days.. then my treatments begin........I am anxious, nervous, excited, scared..
- I feel like my life will be ending and I am praying for it to be starting all at the same time.
- I know in my heart that there is no end to thus ugly cancer, I just keep praying for more time. More time to see Karli and Hannah grow, more time to get to know Livia and Jayden and have them get to know me..more time to be w/ Ali and Josh.. More time to be w/ Bill... with mom..
- Am I being selfish? I don't deserve more time any more than anyone else and if I get more time will I just be more of a burden to my family and friends?
- Already it is hard on them. I can't keep house like I need to or cook... when I go anywhere I need help... yet I can't give up.. I keep praying that tomorrow will be better....
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
day I reminisce about when I was young, first married and had my first baby. My Scotty.
Now on these spring days, this is where I visit my Scotty. For now. On his stone it reads.. :"Resting until the wind blows us towards a new day and a new meeting." Oh how glorious that day will be! I miss him so much. It is so beautiful at the cemetary. The redbud trees are in bloom.
I love these beautiful spring days. Not too hot.. not too cool.. As I am waiting to begin my treatment I can feel myself getting weaker. Just 9 more days of school left. I want so much to finish them. Especially since I don't know what next year holds. I am optimistic that the treatment will be successful and I will be back. But I also have to be realistic in that I might not. I haven't worked for the last 2 days. Putting weight on my leg is excruciating. I guess the tumors are pressing on the nerves. I have been resting hoping to be able to make it tomorrow. Pray that I can.
Summer is around the corner. I pray that I will be able to be outside w/ Livia and Jayden.. Karli and Hannah.
For now I am tired and need to rest..
Saturday, May 9, 2009
There is an inner loneliness that no one can explain. I remember Scott telling me that and as much as I thought I understood I didn't.
So many thoughts go through my mind. If my life is almost what do I still need to do? What have I done? Have I accomplished anything? Does it matter anyway?
I feel as though life is going on all around me and I am no longer a part of anything. I need and crave people around me , not only for the physical needs that I have but to fill the voids.
It is uncomfortable for being to be around me I know. They don't know what to say (Or they think they don't). So, they avoid me altogether. Maybe they feel guilty that they can go on with normal activties when I can't (I know that's how I felt w/Scott) or perhaps they are just bored w/ me.
Some of my friends have flat out told me that they can't stand the thought of my dying so they choose to stay away. Guess they don't realize that I'm not dead yet. I can still talk, I can still laugh and most of all I can still feel.
Cancer is not contagious. People act like they don't want to touch me. Like I have the plague or something. I think I long for physical touch more now than I ever have in my life. And receive it less. Maybe that's why I love being around kids so much. they don't care. They live for the day. The here and now. That's what is important.
I do hurt. My body hurts. It's hard to do things that I want and need to do. But I am not dead yet. And if I have my way, I won't be for awhile yet. Now, The Lord may have other plans. He knows best so I won't argue . Until then however, I plan to live the best I can.
The one thing that I long for most is normalcy. I guess nothing will ever be the same.
The biggest thing I guess is that my feelings for everyone haven't changed. I may appreciate them more or even be a little less intolerant of stupid stuff
Sunday, May 3, 2009
my Scotty, my health, money etc. but oh how much I do have.My little ones at school also remind every day that happiness comes from within.
As I look at the window at the beautiful spring green and hear the songs of the morning birds, I am reminded of a favorite song.