Anyone who has not experienced cancer will ever to be able to understand how lonley it is.
There is an inner loneliness that no one can explain. I remember Scott telling me that and as much as I thought I understood I didn't.
So many thoughts go through my mind. If my life is almost what do I still need to do? What have I done? Have I accomplished anything? Does it matter anyway?
I feel as though life is going on all around me and I am no longer a part of anything. I need and crave people around me , not only for the physical needs that I have but to fill the voids.
It is uncomfortable for being to be around me I know. They don't know what to say (Or they think they don't). So, they avoid me altogether. Maybe they feel guilty that they can go on with normal activties when I can't (I know that's how I felt w/Scott) or perhaps they are just bored w/ me.
Some of my friends have flat out told me that they can't stand the thought of my dying so they choose to stay away. Guess they don't realize that I'm not dead yet. I can still talk, I can still laugh and most of all I can still feel.
Cancer is not contagious. People act like they don't want to touch me. Like I have the plague or something. I think I long for physical touch more now than I ever have in my life. And receive it less. Maybe that's why I love being around kids so much. they don't care. They live for the day. The here and now. That's what is important.
I do hurt. My body hurts. It's hard to do things that I want and need to do. But I am not dead yet. And if I have my way, I won't be for awhile yet. Now, The Lord may have other plans. He knows best so I won't argue . Until then however, I plan to live the best I can.
The one thing that I long for most is normalcy. I guess nothing will ever be the same.
The biggest thing I guess is that my feelings for everyone haven't changed. I may appreciate them more or even be a little less intolerant of stupid stuff