Anyone who has not experienced cancer will ever to be able to understand how lonley it is.
There is an inner loneliness that no one can explain. I remember Scott telling me that and as much as I thought I understood I didn't.
So many thoughts go through my mind. If my life is almost what do I still need to do? What have I done? Have I accomplished anything? Does it matter anyway?
I feel as though life is going on all around me and I am no longer a part of anything. I need and crave people around me , not only for the physical needs that I have but to fill the voids.
It is uncomfortable for being to be around me I know. They don't know what to say (Or they think they don't). So, they avoid me altogether. Maybe they feel guilty that they can go on with normal activties when I can't (I know that's how I felt w/Scott) or perhaps they are just bored w/ me.
Some of my friends have flat out told me that they can't stand the thought of my dying so they choose to stay away. Guess they don't realize that I'm not dead yet. I can still talk, I can still laugh and most of all I can still feel.
Cancer is not contagious. People act like they don't want to touch me. Like I have the plague or something. I think I long for physical touch more now than I ever have in my life. And receive it less. Maybe that's why I love being around kids so much. they don't care. They live for the day. The here and now. That's what is important.
I do hurt. My body hurts. It's hard to do things that I want and need to do. But I am not dead yet. And if I have my way, I won't be for awhile yet. Now, The Lord may have other plans. He knows best so I won't argue . Until then however, I plan to live the best I can.
The one thing that I long for most is normalcy. I guess nothing will ever be the same.
The biggest thing I guess is that my feelings for everyone haven't changed. I may appreciate them more or even be a little less intolerant of stupid stuff
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Dearest Penny, you put so eloquently into words the things Terry talked about for the last days of his life here. For many weeks he talked about how lonely and often forgotten he felt. After his home going, many came to me to say they just never realized he was so sick. I so wanted to scream at them that they would have, had they had the good sense to call or come by every so often.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for all you are going through. I am even more sorry that I have not been there for you as I should have been. I will make a renewed effort to do better at that. I want you to have people who love you close to you as you face the most difficult battle of your life.
I'm so happy that visiting Scotty brings you joy. I feel the same about going to visit Terry and Momma. My sisters don't understand that, but perhaps that's because they have yet to lose the one person in thier life who makes them feel like a whole person.
I love you Penny. I want to be there for you. I will try harder, I promise.