Thursday, June 18, 2009

Pretty Good

I am learning that I have good days and bad. I am praising God for the good ones and dealing w/ the bad. The meds make me tired.. It is frustrating when i can't do what I want and need to do (like clean my house!) but I am grateful for what I can do!

I went to school and met the new principal on tuesday. It went well. I was upfront about my health and explained that until the lord tells me to give up...i just don't intend to. He was very supportive. Unfortunately wendy isn't . But thats ok. I keep reminding myself of who is in control and taking it one day at a time.

Bill has been gone for a week today . seems like a month. He calls about once a day...emails a couple. he says that he is afraid of waking me... I wish that I could sleep....

He says he misses me .. I am waiting for him to say "I love you " before I do.
I know that he does.. in his way. But i also know other things. Things that will never change.
Oh well.......

Ali and Livi came tonight. Livi is growing like a weed. She is going on 6 months old already. She knows me when she sees me!! She giggles and squeals!!

I feel so bad for Ali. She woks so hard. But w/ Dennis not being able to work.. she just can't get ahead. I try to help but i can only do so much.. So... I pray...

God is good.. I thank him for every day... I thank him for His healing hand.. I praise him for what he is doing... !! IN all things... Praise Him.. Amen!!

Friday, June 12, 2009

long days and sleepless nights

I am not sure if it is the pain, the insominia from the chemo or the stress (or the combo) but sleep seems to come less often now.

When I can rest my mind seems to reel. After my Scotty went to heaven I found songs that he wrote in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. The words to those songs are so real to me now.

I am not that creative. I am hoping that maybe somthing that I say or write will comfort my family like those songs did me.

I feel like there is so much to do .. so much.. and yet I wonder if it matters.

I wonder if I am a complete let down to everyone.

Here it is summer. I hear the birds singing outside the window and see the beautiful sunrise. But i don't have the energy to go outside. I wish so badly that I had the energy to do things with the girls. The strength to put Livia and Jayden in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood.
Ahhh... I wish I had the energy to help Josh and Rachel. The energy to keep Livia more ... spend more time w/ her...

Ali came tonight. I am soooooooo proud of her. She works so hard and is such a good little mommy. Reminds me so much of when I was young.

I look @ Bill and know more every day that I am more of a burden and not at all what he needs or whats in this life. I just need to energy to fix it. He will never realize how much i love him and I will never be enough........

Energy .. oh Lord.. please.. just energy.. pain free energy.

I am working on things for my pre k class in the fall. I am not sure what the future holds but i do know that I am just not ready to give up. It is surprising how much purpose those little ones give me. Wendy tells me every day that I am not being fair by hanging on when I shouldn't. Oh Lord... give me strength...

Everyone know... I am holding on to you.. please continue to lift me up..........

I love you...

Friday, June 5, 2009

One day at a Time..

My little angel. Growing so fast! Almost 5 months old now.

I have been taking the chemo drug for 5 days now. No real adverse effects yet except that I can't sleep and have a tremendious headache.
Praise God, it could be so much worse! They say the more I take the more if will effect me though.

I am trying to work on things for school for the upcoming year. Both to keep my mind busy and focused on the future and to stay in denial about what "might be".

Look at this little one... I have to be here.. oh Lord.. I have to know her.. and she has to know how much I love her!

It is obvious how much my friends are praying. My legs ache ... and I know they are praying because Praise God, it stops.. enough for me to be able to function. I am usually only able to do one real thing a day but alleluia .. I do it.

Bill got his moms wheel chair and put in in the truck of my car. Now with a little assistance, I can go to the store or where I need to go. He will be going out of state (army stuff again) for a few weeks so thankfully I will have that.

Onward.. and forward.. one day at a time sweet Jesus. I remember my grandma singing that song .. oh how true it is. I wish that everyone realized how precious the days are.

The times we don't remember to call or visit. The times we don't remmeber to say goodnight or kiss goodbye.. the times we have a chance and don't... the moments we only live once....